im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
