i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
