I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it's great music for shaving your balls
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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