went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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