well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize