okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Dear god my vagina.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
