just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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