I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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