Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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