So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
