Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
