i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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