How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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