I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
