when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
