ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
being pregnant is like rehab
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize