Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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