he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
did i walk over a car last night?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
