bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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