don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
