Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
