If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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