This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
