Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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