PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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