The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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