You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
