I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
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