You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize