I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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