I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
