I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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