You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
