Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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