can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
