my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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