Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
