I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You are a genius and a whore.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
