what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
