P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
