Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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