Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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