the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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