Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
