True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
