I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
A+ Viking dick
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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