tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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