he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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