Do you still have your period?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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