I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
