I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
