Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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