I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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