I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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