my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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