the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
