Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So vagazzling was a success
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
