Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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