It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
