I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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