i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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