that's an acceptable place to lick
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
